Our Annoying World

When legendary author and recluse J.D. Salinger passed away last week at the age of 91, after nearly 55 years of seclusion, it made quite a splash.  Especially if you consider that he hasn’t published a new work of fiction in 45 years.

The fact that many media outlets made a big deal about his death must have been incredibly frustrating to agents, publicists, reality T.V. stars and other media whores because it flies against the face of everything they believe:  that the only way to be make an impact in life is through TELEVISION FACE-TIME.

But J.D. Salinger proved very much the opposite.  Sure, he wrote a handful of classic books (although the New York Times as recently as 2009 has argued that the impact of Catcher in the Rye is negligible for today’s teen — yet another reason for me to dislike Generation Zzz) but much of what Salinger is famous for is what he refused to embrace — celebrity, fame, media saturation.

It was a brilliant ploy — especially since it wasn’t a ploy at all, just the way he wanted to live his life.  I can think of no other artist who has attempted this disappearing act by his or her own volition and come out looking better for it.  These days, celebs don’t willingly vanish with their dignity intact–  they either cling to scraps and shadows of their previous fame, or occasionally they die young and make a “profound” impression that way.

*Really, the McRib is the only celebrity who’s followed in Salinger’s footsteps, and let’s face it, the McRib is not so much a person as it is a sandwich.

So in the spirit and purity of J.D. Salinger, I propose that some famous writer/actor/actress/celebrity/politician choose J.D.’s path to enlightenment and GO THE F–K AWAY. Here are my top five candidates to Salingerize themselves:

1. Moby – because I never really understood your music, I don’t know if it really is music, and you had your run.  You chose to use your fame to license each and every one of your songs from your album Play for film, television, and television commercials.   So now you should leave.  We will remember fondly that you were a vegan and that you looked pretty cool for a bald white guy.
2. Jake Gyllenhaal and/or Toby Maguire – you’re both somewhat talented, boyishly handsome, brunette actors and I can never for the life of me remember which one is which.  One of you was Spiderman, then the other one was gonna be.  One of you was Donnie Darko and one of you was dating Kristen Dunce.  Or still are.  Or maybe both of you were but aren’t.  Or maybe she thought she as dating one of you but really it was the other one and she was just as confused as I was.  Either way, it’s getting way too f–king complicated so one of you needs to leave.  You will always be well-respected, especially for that movie where Spiderman kissed that other dude.  Truly a breakthrough role.   Weren’t you in Lord of the Rings too?  No wait, that’s the third clone, whatsy-whosits…
3. Conrad Murray — you know, the “doctor” (I’ve never used quotes quite so loosely) who oversaw Michael Jackson’s home I.V. drip, which I think, if nothing else, taught us all the important lesson If you have your own home I.V. drip you may have some sort of drug problem.  Now I’m not saying that “pulling a Salinger” is going to successfully resuscitate your reputation (I think you’ve already proven that resuscitating isn’t one of your talents anyhow) but well — taking an extended leave of absence couldn’t hurt, could it? (Of course, the criminal courts of the State of California may soon decide to Salingerize you against your will anyway, so perhaps this request is a moot point)
4. Jay Leno — I’m just saying.  You’ve had more than your fair share of chances to act even slightly cool.   And you’ve blown each and every one of them.  So take your 317 classic cars and motorcycles and disappear.  I promise, a nation will be grateful.
5. The Philippino Inmate Thriller Dancers:  Look, I love your work.  But it’s really all downhill from here, isn’t it?  How are you gonna top yourselves?  Recreate the opening credits dance from the Cosby Show?  Just warning you now, we’re not going to be that impressed.  Even Michael Jackson himself couldn’t top Thriller.  So learn from the master and pull a J.D.  And hey, while your at it, take Balloon Boy’s dad with you.

• Bonus suggestion  (and it’s a brilliant one!):  Peyton Manning.  How amazing would that be?  Starting quarterback Peyton Manning abandons the Indianapolis Colts two days before the Superbowl and moves to a secluded farm estate in Cornish, New Hampshire.  It would become the stuff of legend!    Okay, I can think of a few people who might get upset.   But still…