We all love the stuff, don’t we? Purell makes the world a cleaner place. Well, “clean-esque.” Let’s be honest, when you rub Purell all over your dirty, soiled hands, they’re still dirty. The dirt doesn’t magically go away. But at least now it’s HEALTHY DIRT!
And here’s the thing:
I don’t trust any liquid that squirts out of a bottle and then ten seconds later it’s GONE.
Where does it go? And don’t give me that B.S. about it being alcohol and alcohol evaporates. I’ve never ordered a tall, sudsy, delicious Bud Lime only to have it vanish before my lips even touch the glass. This creepy “non-existence” factor is the same reason I don’t trust:
–a product that claims to have no fat, no calories, and no discernible ingredients. Okay, fine. But what the hell is it? You know your meal has gotten out of hand when your choice of condiments leads to a complex, philosophical debate (“If something has no calories and yet I spread it on my toast to make it taste yummy… does it really exist?” Even Socrates had no answer for this. Which is why he preferred cream cheese.)
And Purell’s “Kills 99.99% of germs that cause common illness” label troubles me too. Cuz you know it’s that .01% germ that’s the biggest, baddest mother of them all. I can handle the got-a-little-cough germs all by myself, Purell. Your job is to take out that skin eating, lesion popping, bleeding from all orifices, Paris-Hilton-contracting super-germ.
If you can’t handle that little bit of business for me, Purell, then I don’t see why I should even bother with ya.
Now please excuse me. I need to lay down. I’m feeling a bit fluish.