MY GRADE: 
-
“I need this!”
“I need this!”
I’m not certain of much in this world. But I do know one thing: no one has ever bought an item from a SkyMall catalog at an altitude lower than 5,000 feet.
Because if you’re not trapped on a plane for eleven hours you’re probably more inclined to realize “Gee, I don’t really need a $70 toothbrush sanitizer. I can just… buy a new toothbrush?”
I have my very own SkyMall conspiracy theory: The tiny vents above airline seats that pump the cabin full of alleged “air”? That’s actually a mild form of nitrus oxide — its sole purpose to convince us we need to purchase SkyMall’s exclusive bakeware that can create 8 inch tall cupcakes. 
SkyMall items can be broken down into ten categories:
- The Tacky (Truck Antlers)
- The unnecessary (A “peanut butter maker” — which looks suspiciously like something called a “food processor”)
- The confusing (A marshmallow shooter?)
- The cumbersome (giant wall-sized New York Times crossword puzzle)
- The embarrassing (removable butt implants)
- The unjustified (a stainless steel… wallet?)
- The idealistic (a wind-power iPod charger!!!)
- The unprovable (a dust-mite killing electro-wand)
- The convoluted (“Your lawn must be constantly ‘aerated’in order revitalize the soil, so here are some spiky aerating sandals you should buy”)
- The suspicious (The 10 minute marinator: “Get in there, jerk spice! Get in there!”)
So why the 4 and 1/2 stars for SkyMall? Because of what it stands for. Because Sky Mall believes in a Utopian world — where dogs have their own bark-commanded drinking fountains, where a lovable voice-activated R2D2 butler brings you your favorite slippers every evening, and where you don’t need to go to a doctor to tend to your crippling back pain because you own the revolutionary door-assisted “NeckPro.” (No David Carradine jokes, please):
