Not so fast, Santa. Back to work!
It’s mid-September again; the holliest jolliest time o’the year. The Christmas trees are out, the popcorn is being strung, and visions of sugarplums are dancing in our — huh?
Excuse me. Why has Christmas “started” already?
This article isn’t the only one to notice the trend. And you can be certain it’s only a matter of days before Starbucks breaks out the eggnog lattes (which I enjoy, even if they have sort of a pukey aftertaste).
But can we just slam the brakes on for one tiny moment and admit something we’ve all known for some time: Santa is now being pimped out in the off-season because retailers think apparently nobody is interested in buying anything that’s not attached to a holiday.
You know that heartfelt sentiment “Christmas isn’t only one day a year. It’s with us all the time”? I pretty sure someone at Target came up with that.
And not only are these pre pre pre pre Christmas sales screwing up the genuine spirit of Christmas, they’re also causing a total holiday clusterf–k (which is how I hear a very bitter and angry St. Nick referred to it this year).
Case in point: What happened to Halloween? Well, as far as I can tell, if you haven’t celebrated it yet, you’re out of luck. You missed it. Halloween started back on July 5th. It’s over. Time to step aside for Christmas. By August all the Halloween costumes were sold, along with all the candy. (I can’t wait to get hold of some of that 9 month old candy corn. That will be a creamy delight.)
And Thanksgiving? Well Thanksgiving has just been totally shit on. Thanksgiving is now the unwanted foster kid of national holidays: You accept it because it’s the right thing to do, but really it’s more trouble than it’s worth. Nobody really gives a crap about Thanksgiving because a business can’t survive on sales of Stove Top stuffing alone.
Stove Top Stuffing: Sure, it's delicious. But it can't save our economy.
So this is what I propose we do in order to save a shred of Christmas dignity:
Let’s just make up some random, stupid new holiday and stick it in September. Then there will be “legitimate” September holiday sales o’plenty for the likes of Walmart and Target and Best Buy and Starbucks and Wetzel’s Pretzels (and by the way, Wetzel’s Pretzels. Who are you fooling? Is your owner really named “Wetzel”? I’m not the sharpest tool in the … ah… tool thing … by I think you made up the name “Wetzel” just because it rhymes with “pretzel.” I’m so onto you!)
I even have the perfect new concept for a September holiday: Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, right? Well, I’m sure that Octomom must’ve squeezed out one of her 17 kids somewhere around September. Let’s celebrate that. We’ll exchange presents for 8 days in honor of the Octuplets. It’ll be a nice mix of Christmas and Chanukah with a modern-day Jerry-Springer-esque twist.
But I’m open to your new holiday suggestions. Best idea gets a free Eggnog Latte on me (in September).
