MY GRADE: 
I haven’t been paying much attention lately — say, for the last 20 years — but I’ve just begun to notice that Gatorade has gotten completely out of control.
When I was 10 years old there were two flavors of Gatorade: Green and Orange. It was a huge deal when they added red to the Gatorade cannon. And by red I mean, it was called “red.” Red Gatorade. Because it was the color red and tasted very red. They weren’t getting too fancy with the name branding yet.
Fast forward to 2009: There are now 67,000 flavors of Gatorade (13,000 of them being subtle variations on Purplish/Blue.)
Tiger Woods has his own flavor of Gatorade: Gatorade Tiger, which was recently renamed Gatorade Focus (so as not to upset the 3 vegans who thought it was made from actual tiger). There’s another new flavor called Gatorade: Shine On (which sounds suspiciously like a feminine hygiene product). There is something called Gatorade: No Excuses (which was also a name brand of jeans in the 90′s: “Gatorade with just a hint of denim?”)
Oh, and when I say “flavor” keep in mind I’m using the term very loosely: Shine On. Quiet Storm. Mountain Frost. Are these drink flavors or weather forecasts?
But the scariest one is Tiger Woods’ Gatorade Focus, because it adds an extra amino acid to the party. This is where I draw the line. Adding amino acids to my beverages? Amino acids? The building blocks of life? Doesn’t anyone remember Jurrasic Park? You start adding amino acids to Gatorade, dump a little too much of it on Eli Manning after a big game, next thing you know you’ve got some strange Manning/velocirapter hybrid rampaging the Superbowl.
Okay, maybe I’m just bitter because I feel left out. Why does Tiger Woods get his own flavor and I don’t? Shouldn’t I at least get to name a few? Come on, just a half dozen or so. Who would notice? I’m sure blind people wouldn’t. To them Gatorade comes in one flavor: Corn Syrup.
I’ve already come up with a few good suggestions. And Gatorade, you can have them, free of charge:
- Gatorade: Cloudy, Chance of Sleet (to go with their weather motif)
- Gatorade: Diabetic Coma (100 mg’s of extra fructose)
- Gatorade: Serena (fiery red, with just a hint of soapy water, to wash out her potty mouth)
- Gatorade: Shot of Greatness (a little vodka thrown in for good measure)
- Gatorade: Zoloft (to dump on losing teams, cuz they’re so sad!)
- Gatorade: Plaque Rinse (half sugar, half fluoride. Let ‘em fight it out in your mouth)
- Gatorade: Kevorkian (when you want your last drink to be deadly and purple-ish)
- Gatorachino (coffee, foamy milk, and Gatorade. Should be big in Europe.)
Yep, that last one makes my stomach churn too. But remember 2006, Coke’s ill-advised Coke-coffee drink, Coke-blak? Was that any better of an idea?
And for those who’ve blocked it from your mind, I kid you not…
Arnold Palmer had nothing to fear
