Halloween

October 29, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarstarhalf

the-great-pumpkin

I love Halloween.

But can we all just admit that the holiday no longer makes a lick of sense? That it’s been commercialized, bastardized and commandeered by retailers to the point that nobody even remembers what the hell its supposed to be about?

Anyone?…

Errrr, something to do with “the harvest,”I think?

(And I only say that because that’s my go-to answer when I don’t know what a holiday is about:  Valentine’s Day?  “Something to do with the harvest”?  St. Patrick’s Day?  “Harvest”?  National Take Your Daughter To Work Day?  “Oh, that’s about the harvest, big time.”)

I do know this.  Halloween is the time of year when the following random things occur: Read the rest of this entry »

1 Comment | Silly Trends and Proclivities | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Celebrity Death Hoaxes (“RIP Tom Cruise, Kanye West, Elmo…”)

October 28, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarhalfblankblank

Kanye west

"RIP Kanye West": Harmless prank or wishful thinking?

I think a rite of passage of the angsty, misunderstood teenager is the prank call.

Example: dialing up Red Lobster and ordering a cooked telephone.  (And yes, that prank call of mine was met with curious silence from my friends, just as it is now with you.  Sigh.  Nobody ever gets my Salvador Dali references)

Well, nowadays it seems we are all collectively those mischievous teenagers and the whole world is one giant Red Lobster. (I’ll take a second to allow that horrifying metaphor to truly sink in).

It’s interesting, people often praise the immediacy of the internet as its greatest asset, the way information can spread virally in a matter of seconds.  Usually they’ll reference the Iranian Twitter Protesters or the fact that back in the days of the Lincoln Assassination people in the further reaches of the country didn’t even get the news of his death for several days (although I believe the first Lincoln Assassination joke was written a mere 30 minutes after it occurred — that still-classic one-liner: “So Mrs. Lincoln, aside from what happened, how did you enjoy the play?” Unfortunately, it was told to the actual Mrs. Lincoln and was received quite poorly)

In the DSL/Live Chat/Twitter age the big question is: Is it really such a good thing to be so immediately connected to the rest of the world when the rest of the world is only telling the truth 60% of the time?

Which leads to the topic at hand: celebrity death rumors. Read the rest of this entry »

4 Comments | Media Ridiculousness, Silly Trends and Proclivities | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Guantanamo Bay Musical Torture

October 26, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarhalfblank

jackson browne hair

It seems as if musicians David Byrne, REM, Jackson Browne, Pearl Jam, T-Bone Burnett, Billy Brag, Bonnie Raitt and a handful of other performers are up in arms, demanding to know whether their music was used in the torture of Guantanamo Bay detainees (see Darren Garnick’s article on it here)

Frankly, I have to admit I’m in favor of musical torture. Why? Well, first and foremost, it seems to be working. See what the terrorists themselves are saying: Read the rest of this entry »

3 Comments | I'm just sayin' | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Texting Etiquette or “Textiquette”

October 26, 2009

texting car crash

In honor of the great response I received regarding my blog post on  tipping etiquette I have deemed myself the Dear Abby of the new millennium.  My next topic of etiquette: texting.

Please feel free to submit your questions and I will—

Oh lookie! Already — my first question via Time Travel Twitter (a new service that allows impatient Tweeters who are so bored with the present to Tweet into the future) Read the rest of this entry »

4 Comments | I'm just sayin', Technology Out Of Control | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Modern Horror Films

October 23, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarblankblankblank

horror

Something I fail to understand is why modern film going audiences (particularly teenagers) love horror films so very much.

I guess the cliche is “We all like a good scare.”  Really? Last time some jerk  driving 104 mph and talking on a cell phone swerved into my traffic lane and nearly bumped me into the Pacific Ocean I don’t remember thinking “Wow, I really liked that.  I only wish that it would last for 90 minutes with credits at the end.” Read the rest of this entry »

2 Comments | Silly Trends and Proclivities | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Tipping Etiquette

October 21, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarblankblank

tipping

There’s nothing more uncomfortable, confusing and downright aggravating than trying to figure out who/what/when and how much to tip someone.  So in order to alleviate that stress, I thought I’d share with you my own personal tipping guide: Read the rest of this entry »

3 Comments | I'm just sayin' | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Club Cards

October 18, 2009

MY GRADE: starhalfblankblankblank

IMG_3574

Admittedly, some of the most irritating things in life aren’t completely without reason.  Some are a necessary burden : taxes, colonoscopies, the Jerry Lewis Telethon (not necessarily in that order).

But club cards…

Club cards are a prime example of the modern world’s innate ability to waste our time, space, energy (and plastic) for a few pennies.

(Also, on a smaller note, they’ve turned my keychain from a slightly annoying appendage into a lethal weapon.) Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment » | Silly Trends and Proclivities | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

The Balloon Boy Saga

October 15, 2009

MY GRADE: starblankblankblankblank

Balloon boy falcon

I had just sat down to begin writing a blog entry about the vapidity of cable news.   Yet I was struggling to find the perfect example that would clarify and crystallize my thoughts.  So I turned on CNN…

Thank you, balloon boy.  You’ve made my job so much easier.

For those who missed the story, here is an approximate timeline: Read the rest of this entry »

6 Comments | Media Ridiculousness | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Pretending to love jazz

October 15, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarstarblank

Jazz Muppet

There is something you should know about me. One of the many facets of my persona that helps make me a deep, complex and layered human being is my love for pretending to love jazz.

It’s a hobby that’s been close to my heart for nearly a quarter of a century. Ever since that fateful day when I first bought a copy of Miles Davis’s Kind of Blue, played it for 10 minutes, got drowsy, and fell asleep.

In early 2000′s I took my love of pretending to love jazz to the next level and watched all 473 hours of Ken Burns’ spine-tingling edge of your seat thrill-ride simply entitled JAZZ.  And I didn’t fall asleep once.  Really. I swear.

You don’t believe me? I remember everything about it. There was this one guy who was a great jazz musician but he took a lot of heroin. At some point he sold his “axe” to pay for drugs. The white nightclub owner swindled him out of his cut of the house and he died penniless and alone.

Wait, that may have been two different jazz guys.  No, now that I think about it, I think that was pretty much all of them.

Hmmm.

Okay, well now that I’ve faked my way through the first half of this essay rather smoothly (how about that “axe” reference?  Not too shabby, eh?)  I can confess something: Read the rest of this entry »

4 Comments | I'm just sayin' | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Celebrity Children’s Books

October 13, 2009

MY GRADE: starblankblankblankblank

Terrell Owens

Celebrities writing children’s books are to the 00′s what celebrities “cutting albums” was to the 80′s. (Which reminds me: Thank you, Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson and Bruce Willis for sparing us your Seussian-like literary wisdom so far)

But to me these tossed off afterthoughts of a quick paycheck go far beyond just being your typical annoying celebrity vanity project. They’re a big “screw you” to actual professional children’s book writers. They say, rather defiantly, “See? I can churn out what you do in a matter of hours and still have plenty of time for my ‘real profession’.”

And writing a children’s book is unfortunately a fertile breeding ground for a celeb’s monstrous ego. Because the actual effort one needs to put into creating a lousy picture book (as opposed to a decent one) is virtually nonexistent: Read the rest of this entry »

5 Comments | Silly Trends and Proclivities | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

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