Our Annoying World

MY GRADE:

I had just sat down to begin writing a blog entry about the vapidity of cable news.   Yet I was struggling to find the perfect example that would clarify and crystallize my thoughts.  So I turned on CNN…

Thank you, balloon boy.  You’ve made my job so much easier.

For those who missed the story, here is an approximate timeline:

11:00 am: Young Falcon Heene goes missing.

11:20 am: Instead of  — you know — searching the house, Falcon’s media savvy father calls CNN and reports that his son must have floated away in the untethered weather balloon that accidentally detached from the Heene’s yard.

11:23 am: Wolf Blitzer is informed “Take the dogs for a walk,  grab a handful of amphetamines, you’re in this story for the long haul.  This will be your Pulitzer, my friend!”

11:24 am: Wolf squirts out a handful of styling gel and makes some last minute adjustments to his beard. Meanwhile, newscameras from across the globe start following this weather balloon (that looks suspiciously like the flying saucers from Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks).  Dick Cheney offers to shoot down the balloon with his duck hunting rifle.

12:00 pm: After 47 riveting minutes of weather balloon footage CNN decides to up the ante.  They bring in a physicist to discuss drag and lift ratios and whether the boy could possibly still be inside the balloon.  MSNBC counters with it’s own expert – aka — the guy who built the Underdog balloon for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.  CNN retaliates by bringing out its “big gun” — Ed Asner, who voiced the old man in the movie UP.  A panic-stricken MSNBC, not wanting to be left out in the cold,  interviews a guy who saw UP.

12:10 pm: CNN reports that the kid’s name is Falcon, his parents were on the show Wife Swap, and his dad is an amateur storm chaser.  America doesn’t seem that surprised.

12:34 pm: Theories abound as to whether the kid deliberately launched himself into the sky.  It is generally agreed upon that being named “Falcon” would be motivation enough.

1:00 pm: A confused and incoherent Larry King is wheeled onto the CNN set where he starts interviewing Miko Brando about his close friendship with Michael Jackson.  Miko, also confused,  flatly denies that Michael Jackson ever diddled young Falcon and offers as proof that if Michael had indeed tried anything “that kid woulda launched himself years ago.”

1:12 pm: The ghost of Edward R Murrow repeatedly attempts to shoot himself in the head.

1:33 pm: Balloon finally lands in Denver.  A squad of child-levitation professionals surround the balloon and poke holes it in with a pitchfork.  Because it’s always a good idea to jab something with a pitchfork when you think a small child is inside.

1:43 pm: Now that is it confirmed that Falcon is not in the balloon, speculation runs rampant that boy must have fallen from the  balloon to his death.  Ex-Olympic diver and Guest CNN “Falling From Stuff Way Up High Expert” Greg Louganis concurs.

1:44 pm: A nation mourns.  Well, half the nation mourns.  The other half signs onto Twitter and makes timely Kanya-West-interrupting-balloon-boy jokes.  Because that’s pretty much the go-to joke these days.

2:32 pm: A still photo of the weather balloon surfaces on CNN showing a small speck-like object falling from the sky.  Many theorize it’s Falcon.  Others claim it’s dirt on the photographer’s lens. Charlie Sheen insists it’s proof that the Bush Administration masterminded the 9/11 attacks.  Miko Brando denies that Michael Jackson ever molested Charlie Sheen.  Greg Louganis hits his head while jumping off the top of a CNN camera but is saved from a crippling blow to the head by landing in Wolf Blitzer’s snuggly soft beard.

3:43 pm: Falcon is found hiding in the attic.  America is happy and relieved (yet secretly makes up its own Anne Frank joke).

So what does all this say about the state of Cable TV News?

Well, let me put it this way:  I once hid from my parents in our attic for a couple of hours.  CNN never got involved.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 15th, 2009 at 11:41 pm and is filed under Media Ridiculousness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.