Our Annoying World

MY GRADE:

There’s nothing more uncomfortable, confusing and downright aggravating than trying to figure out who/what/when and how much to tip someone.  So in order to alleviate that stress, I thought I’d share with you my own personal tipping guide:

• Waiters/waitresses: I start then off with a clean slate: 18% of the bill (sans tax).  If they fill up my unlimited beverage every 10 minutes I add another 2%.  Unless it’s coffee and I’ve added just the right amount of cream and sugar and yet they still insist on refilling it, thus screwing up my own personal sugar to cream to coffee ratio every 10 minutes.  $3 more if they recommend a fine cognac to go with our dessert.  $5 off if they do so at Chuck E Cheese.

• Taxi drivers: 10%. But money is taken off for bad odors, smooth jazz stations, talking on more than two cellphones while driving, trying to bond with me by asking me if I “do well with the ladies” or hijacking an airliner and flying it into a Sears Tower.

• Starbucks worker: Here’s where it gets a little tricky. $2 tip for an espresso drink. $1 tip for drip coffee or iced tea. $2 tip if I can get them to turn off that Scarlett Johanson/Peter Yorn CD for five minutes.

• Proctologist: $1 per finger.

• UPS Driver: $2 per inch of exposed thigh above brown sock revealed.

• Bartender: $2 per drink.  $3 extra for every move they can recreate from that Tom Cruise movie Cocktail.   Take off $3 for every move they recreate from that Tom Cruise movie Eyes Wide Shut.

• Hair Dressers: 20% for a simple men’s haircut.  $2 extra for shampooing.  Another $10 for a full body sponge bath.  Take away 15% if on the way out you’re mistaken for Ken Burns or Mo from the Three Stooges.

• Dog Groomer: 15% of the bill.  Take away 5% if your dog comes home accidentally neutered.  Take away 15% if on the way out your dog is mistaken for Mo from the Three Stooges or Ken Burns (or either of their dogs).

• SkyCap: $2 per bag.  $3 extra is you ask them what it was like working with Gwenneth Paltrow and they get the reference.  (Same tip applies to my readers.  What the hell am I talking about???)

• Maid Service: $5 per day.  $1 extra if they leave a mint on your pillow.  Take away $2 if they leave a mint on your pillow opened and half-eaten.  Take away another $3 if you come back and they are fast asleep in your bed, half-eaten mint dangling out of the side of their mouth, drooling chocolate onto your once-clean pillow.

• Masseuse: 15-20% for a thorough, vigorous, and/or relaxing massage.  $40 extra is you ask for and receive a “happy ending.” $25 extra if you ask for a happy ending but only receive a vague and ambiguous ending that leaves a great deal open for interpretation,  like the final scene from The Sopranos.

• Moyle: No need to leave a tip.  He takes one. (Yes, that joke is 2,000 years old.)

• Bloggers: $175 per blog entry, payable by cash, check, credit card, directly to the author.   I know, I was shocked when I found this out too!  But that’s the way it works.  Really.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 at 4:40 am and is filed under I'm just sayin'. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.