Our Annoying World

MY GRADE:

Something I fail to understand is why modern film going audiences (particularly teenagers) love horror films so very much.

I guess the cliche is “We all like a good scare.”  Really? Last time some jerk  driving 104 mph and talking on a cell phone swerved into my traffic lane and nearly bumped me into the Pacific Ocean I don’t remember thinking “Wow, I really liked that.  I only wish that it would last for 90 minutes with credits at the end.”

I thought we the human race were designed to instinctively avoid things that terrify us. Yet some people pay as much as $12-$15 (plus $5 for a Costco-sized vat of Goobers) for the opportunity to have some mentally deranged filmmaker with unresolved potty training issues scare the bejesus out of us for nearly two hours (two hours and 20 minutes if you count the horrifying coming attraction trailers: Another Kate Hudson rom-com?  It makes me shudder just thinking about it)

Plus, “horror” as we know it has really evolved in recent times: from subtly suggestive creepiness (like the original Frankenstein or Wolfman) to something more akin to a two hour blood and guts tour of your local factory farm killing floor.

And that’s pretty much what most horror movies are these days, isn’t it?  It used to be 30% suspense, 60% eeriness, 10% violence.

Now the formula seems to be:

5% suspense

40% stabbing

25% dismembering

5 %eyeball popping/poking/squishing

10% brain eating/heart snacking/skinning a dead guy and wearing his pelt as a coat

15% body falling and getting impaled on something “funny” like an angry unicorn, a tether ball court, or the top of the Chrysler Building,

Frankly, I just can’t take it.

So (inspired by the Twitter topic: #dullesthorrorfilmsever) I’ve devised my own list of horror movies that would be a little tamer, a little more low-key, a little more palatable for a man of my — say — wussiness.

NOT-SO-SCARY HORROR MOVIES:

• Rosemary’s Chicken
• The (Onion) Ring
• Arbor Day of the Dead
• Night of the Living Dreidel
• The Alan Parsons Witch Project
• Dr Jekyll and Mr Shy
• The Whining
• SeeSaw 4
• The Hills Have Ice
• The Texas Chainsaw Makeover
• Salem’s Lox
• John Mayer on Elm Street
• Psychosomatic
• Invasion of the Body Surfers
• Final Destination Wedding
• The Wicker Chair
• The Phantom of The Opera Browser
• House of Waxing and Facials
• Drag Me to Helsinki
• Pumpkinbread
• I Know What You Did Last Comb-over

I’m ready for my Goobers.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 23rd, 2009 at 12:25 am and is filed under Silly Trends and Proclivities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.