MY GRADE: 
I love Halloween.
But can we all just admit that the holiday no longer makes a lick of sense? That it’s been commercialized, bastardized and commandeered by retailers to the point that nobody even remembers what the hell its supposed to be about?
Anyone?…
Errrr, something to do with “the harvest,”I think?
(And I only say that because that’s my go-to answer when I don’t know what a holiday is about: Valentine’s Day? “Something to do with the harvest”? St. Patrick’s Day? “Harvest”? National Take Your Daughter To Work Day? “Oh, that’s about the harvest, big time.”)
I do know this. Halloween is the time of year when the following random things occur:
- Pumpkins go on sale at makeshift lots before the quick Nov. 1st turn-around when they transform into Christmas tree lots
- Car commercials use the phrase “Spooktacular sales” and think that’s really original and clever
- kids dress in costumes and ask neighbors for candy. Parents then screen their kid’s candy, assuming their neighbors are sociopaths and have laced the candy with LSD.
- people throw costume parties where men dress up as Batman while women dress as “sexy nurses”, “sexy maids” or (most popularly) “generic slut.”
- Coffee houses serve “pumpkin spice” flavored lattes. Another name for this flavor is “sugar that tastes nothing like pumpkin.”
- Lots of crappy horror movies are released. Male nerds in their late 30′s complain that “nobody shows their boobs anymore” like they did back in 1980′s horror movie heyday.
- teenagers vandalize mailboxes, toiletpaper houses, and deface pumpkins with shaving cream. This is considered socially acceptable because they’re wearing an eyepatch and “going as a pirate.”
- people bob for apples. It’s not fun and the sense of accomplishment when snagging an apple is negligible.
- Target starts selling Christmas decorations.
- Gay men dress up as Cher (this also occurs during Easter, the 4th of July, Veteran’s Day, Kwanza, and most of the major “harvest” holidays)
- Candy corn sales spike crazily, even though candy corn is the worst candy of all time and tastes like sugar-coated wall paper paste.
So after all my complaining, what exactly appeals to me about Halloween? Well, I gotta admit, I like that it’s become a holiday free-for-all. Anything goes. And that keeps it fresh.
Here are three things that have nothing to do with Halloween:
- Dancing giraffes
- refinishing your cabinets
- eating lots of flan
Check back in 10 years, I guarantee one of those things will have become a Halloween tradition. That’s the charm of Halloween.
Hey, I so agree with how it is now, but it wasn’t always, and I was planning on dressing as a Giraffe Contestant on Dancing With the Stars so I could eat all the flan I wanted to if I won… bummer that you ruined the surprise, haha!!