Funny Flight Attendants

October 13, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarblankblankblank

southwest-flight-attendants

I recently flew on Southwest Airlines and I’ve noticed some major cutbacks.  Now, instead of a meal or a decent snack, they just offer you comedy.

“Passenger John Smith please come to the front of the plane.  Also, if anyone has seen Elvis, send him up here too.”

<cricket cricket>

Sadly, Their jokes are as dated as their 10 year old bag of  pretzels.

I have nothing against comedy. Some may even say I write comedy. But there are certain occupations that don’t lend themselves to being funny. Off the top of my head, I’d say: funeral directors, EMTs, crossing guards, snake handlers, brain surgeons, cast of Shindler’s List… And most importantly – anyone remotely involved with keeping an airplane from crashing.

Sorry, hostesses.  Look,  I know it’s always better when you can liven up your day with a joke or two, but you chose a straight-laced profession and I’m gonna hold you to it. I don’t want funny flight attendants.  Funny Pilots.  Funny baggage handlers. Funny air traffic controllers (“Runway open.  You’re clear for take off. …. Just kidding!) Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment » | Silly Trends and Proclivities | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

OBAMA’S NOBEL PRIZE (TiVoing through to greatness…)

October 11, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarhalfblankblank

barack-obama-superman

Well, I guess us novices were a little thrown by Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize awarded to him a scant nine months after he was elected president.  Even the Nobel committee felt the need to clarify their choice by stating:

“We are hoping this (award) may contribute a little bit for what he is trying to do.”

Which makes sense to me, at least.  I mean, we all need a little day to day encouragement, right?  I guess I just didn’t realize that the Nobel Peace Prize was the grownup equivalent of the Perfect Attendance Award. You know, that Miss Congeniality-like accolade some of us less-than-stellar students won back in Elementary school to placate our self-esteem. Read the rest of this entry »

1 Comment | Media Ridiculousness | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by David

2-IN-1 SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER

October 9, 2009

MY GRADE: starblankblankblankblank

219289_f260

There’s no product on the market more mystifying to me than 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Why?

Well, up until a few years ago we all seemed to agree collectively as a nation that you shampooed and then conditioned.  The shampoo cleans your hair and the conditioner — er — conditions?  softens?  unshampoos? — er, I don’t know — but that’s a whole other discussion.

(Historical Footnote: In the late 20th century it was decided that shampooing alone wasn’t good enough.  In the early 20th century it was decided that washing your head with a bar of animal lard wasn’t good enough.  In the late 19th century it was decided that you needed to wash your hair.  In the 1400s it was decided that you needed to put down that battle axe and clean yourself every once and awhile.  Ah, progress.  Anyway, I already did my take on Historical Hygiene so I’ll move on.)

Somewhat more recently certain hair care companies have re-assessed and determined that now we have the technology: We can shampoo and condition at the same time!

Really?  Isn’t that kind of like inventing candy-flavored dental floss?  It decays and cleans your teeth simultaneously?  What’s the scientific principle behind Shampoo/conditioner: “put them in the same bottle and let ‘em fight it out”?

Ever the optimist, I tried 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. Read the rest of this entry »

1 Comment | Technology Out Of Control | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

PERSONAL HYGIENE

October 7, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarstarstar

hun

"My God. What is that horrific smell???"

I have a strange quirk I’m going to share with you.

The first thing I think of whenever I read about a monumental event in world history?…

Boy, I bet it was real smelly back then.

We as a race of animal have a very short history of bathing appropriately. I’d say since the 1970′s we’ve cleaned up our act. And in many cases, we still haven’t (I’m looking at you, France. As a matter of fact, I don’t even have to look.)

Here, as a self-proclaimed historical hygiene scholar, I present to you a one-of-a kind list: Read the rest of this entry »

1 Comment | I'm just sayin' | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

BOTTLED WATER

October 7, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarblankblank

bling-water

Something has gone terribly wrong.

When I was a kid I used to drink from a hose in the backyard. Now I won’t drink Arrowhead water because they don’t use the reverse osmosis process, they merely deionize. (And the last thing I want in my water are ions! Uch. Can you imagine, all the ions I foolishly ingested in my childhood?) Read the rest of this entry »

7 Comments | Food & Food-esque substances | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

WIKIPEDIA (Fun with Facts!)

October 6, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarhalfblank

wikipedia

Wikipedia, the community based, self-edited online encyclopedia, is often criticized for misfactuation, conspiratizing, and exagerolying. (By the way, thanks Wiktionary for helping me discover all those neat new words.)

But what I find “truthful” and refreshing about Wikipedia is that in it’s own sketchy, shape-shifting way it eloquently demonstrates that very little in this world is absolute. In Wikipedia land, what does it truly mean to be “factual”? Read the rest of this entry »

4 Comments | Technology Out Of Control | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

THE DEMOTION OF PLUTO

October 5, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarblankblankblank

lonely pluto

Ever since it was announced 3 years ago that Pluto had “jumped the shark” and was no longer considered a real planet I have to admit something: I’ve felt terribly sad about it. You might even say, disturbingly sad. Finally, it occurred to me why:

I feel sorry for Pluto. I’ve completely anthropomorphized this big spherical hunk of ice. In my skewed view of the universe, Pluto has feelings and he’s very upset about to be kicked aside by a group of disproving pocket-protecting science geeks. And I can’t blame him.

I look at it this way: Pluto was already an outcast. The tiniest planet. Way off in the distance all by it’s lonely self in the coldest, darkest corner of the solar system. It doesn’t even follow the same orbit as the other nine planets. It inclines onto it’s own path.

Pluto is the sad little kid who nobody else wants to eat lunch with in the cafeteria. Pluto is the Ruloph the Red-Nosed Reindeer of planets. A misfit. Pluto didn’t get to play (orbit) in any Reindeer games. Then he saves Christmas. Defeats an abominable snowman with the aid of Yukon Cornelius and his scrappy sidekick Hermey the Elf!

Okay, that analogy doesn’t totally work.

How about this one? Read the rest of this entry »

5 Comments | I'm just sayin' | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Using the “gate” suffix with every scandal

October 1, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarhalfblankblank

Yes, when I see this I think of Nixon.

Yes, when I see this I think of Nixon.

I’m certain the first reporter who slapped on the suffix “gate” at the end of some new scandal thought he/she was being quite clever. And it probably was. But nowadays it’s just a classic example of journalistic laziness.

37 years later, using “gate” really makes no sense at all. It’s a reference to a reference to a reference.

Do people under the age of 30 even know what we’re talking about? Or do they think Bill Clinton fooled around with someone named “Monica Gate”? I’m guessing the latter. Read the rest of this entry »

3 Comments | Media Ridiculousness | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by David

Next Entries »
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.