MY GRADE: 
Celebrity baby naming has turned into a form of one-upmanship: Who can give their poor infant the most ridiculous, attention-grabbing, awkward, self-consciously quirky name? Gwenyth Paltrow names her kid “Apple.” But Madonna isn’t going to rest easy until she saddles her next adopted kid with something weirder and more contrived like “Peach Cobbler.”
My question is –at one point does Child Protective Services step in and declare some of these names a form of child abuse?
It seems every time a celebrity craps out another kid they display their offspring to the world as if nobody else in the history of mankind has ever created such a precious, soul-inspiring, unique thing. And that thing must be given a suitably special moniker. Like “Crabcake” or “Tumbleweed.”
Let me put it another way. John Lennon and Yoko Ono named their one child Sean. That’s right. Sean. If that convergence of hippiness, artiness, and granola crunchiness managed to restrain themselves long enough to give their kid a nice normal name, then maybe Jason Lee could’ve reigned himself in just a wee bit and not named his kid Pilot Inspector.
Below is a list of celebrity baby names. About 50% of them are true, 50% are made up. I defy you to tell the difference. Oh, and no cheating by Googling the names.
Wait. “Googling.” Great baby name. Get Madonna on the phone!
Our Annoying World’s Celebrity Baby Naming Game: True or False?
Celebrity Child
- Gillian Anderson Piper Maru
- Will Ferrell Augustus Gloop
- Ben Affleck Serephina
- Matt Damon Seretonin
- Christie Brinkley Sailor
- Cheryl Tiegs Plumber, General Contractor
- Penn Jillette Moxie CrimeFighter, Zolten
- David Blaine Penn Is An A-hole For Naming His Kids Moxie Crimefighter & Zolten
- Jason Bateman Quinoa
- Michael J Fox Aquinna
- Sting Fuchsia
- Andy Summers Eggshell White
- Julia Roberts Phinnaeus
- Reese Witherspoon Fslkmwsdj23@gmail.com
- Lance Hendrikson Alchamy
- Geri Halliwell Bluebell Madonna
- Britney Spears Kevin Federline Jr.
- Al Franken Venison
- Michael Hutchence Tiger Lily, Heavenly Hiraani
- Madonna Lourdes, Rocco
- Cindy Lauper Vatican City, Lucca Brazi
- Bruce Willis Scout, Rumor, Tallulah
- Chuck Norris Heresay, Inneundo, Defamation of Character
- Will Smith Willow
- Martin Lawrence Elm, Pine, Joshua
- Nicholas Cage Cal-El
- Sean Penn Aquaman
- Erykah Badu Seven, Puma
- Toni Braxton Square Route of Nine, Tree Sloth
- Rob Morrow Tu
- Candice Bergen Sacre Bleu
- David Beckham Brooklyn
- Alex Rodriguez Hoboken
- Manny Ramirez Oklahoma City
- Jason Lee Pilot Inspector
- Jason Biggs Inspector Gadget
- Bob Geldoff Fifi Trixabelle, Peaches Honeyblosson, Little Pixie
- Gwenyth Paltrow Apple
- Mira Sorvino Cranapple
- Sylvester Stallone Sage Moonblood, Sistine, Seargeoh
- Talie Shire Parsley PlutoPlasma, Chapel, Robuckgeoh
- Tom Cruise Suri
- Eddie Murphy Fringe on Top
- Moby Summers Eve
- Bono Memphis Eve
- Rachel Maddows Upright Bass
- Rachel Griffiths Banjo
- Melissa Etheridge Becket Cypheridge
- Sarah Palin (all her kids, all crazy names as you know)
- Alice Cooper Calico
- Jamie Oliver Daisy Boo, Petal Rainbow, Blossom, Popey Honey
- Meg Ryan Potato Skin Julep
- Andre Agassi Jaz
- Boris Becker Easy Listening
- Forest Whitaker Ocean, Sonnet, True
- Angelina Jolie Pax, Maddox, Shiloh Nouvel, Zaharra
- Courtney Cox Gettysburg, Bull Run, Hydrox
- Nicole Kidman Sunday Rose
- Charlie Rose Who Are You Kidman
- Michael Richards Paperclip Stapler Suntan Lotion
- Gwen Stefani Zuma, Jingleheimerschmitt
- Stevie Nicks Lunar Eclipse
Okay. I’ll play.
•Gillian Anderson Piper Maru True
•Will Ferrell Augustus Gloop False
•Ben Affleck Serephina True
•Matt Damon Seretonin False
•Christie Brinkley Sailor True
•Cheryl Tiegs Plumber, General Contractor False
•Penn Jillette Moxie CrimeFighter, Zolten True
•David Blaine Penn Is An A-hole For Naming His Kids Moxie Crimefighter & Zolten False
•Jason Bateman Quinoa False
•Michael J Fox Aquinna True
•Sting Fuchsia True
•Andy Summers Eggshell White False
•Julia Roberts Phinnaeus True
•Reese Witherspoon Fslkmwsdj23@gmail.com False
•Lance Hendrikson Alchamy True
•Geri Halliwell Bluebell Madonna True
•Britney Spears Kevin Federline Jr. False
•Al Franken Venison False
•Michael Hutchence Tiger Lily, Heavenly Hiraani True
•Madonna Lourdes, Rocco True
•Cindy Lauper Vatican City, Lucca Brazi False
•Bruce Willis Scout, Rumor, Tallulah True
•Chuck Norris Heresay, Inneundo, Defamation of Character False
•Will Smith Willow True
•Martin Lawrence Elm, Pine, Joshua True
•Nicholas Cage Cal-El True
•Sean Penn Aquaman False
•Erykah Badu Seven, Puma True
•Toni Braxton Square Route of Nine, Tree Sloth False
•Rob Morrow Tu True
•Candice Bergen Sacre Bleu False
•David Beckham Brooklyn True
•Alex Rodriguez Hoboken False
•Manny Ramirez Oklahoma City False
•Jason Lee Pilot Inspector True
•Jason Biggs Inspector Gadget False
•Bob Geldoff Fifi Trixabelle, Peaches Honeyblosson, Little Pixie True
•Gwenyth Paltrow Apple True
•Mira Sorvino Cranapple False
•Sylvester Stallone Sage Moonblood, Sistine, Seargeoh True
•Talie Shire Parsley PlutoPlasma, Chapel, Robuckgeoh False
•Tom Cruise Suri True
•Eddie Murphy Fringe on Top False
•Moby Summers Eve False (f#$%, please let this be false)
•Bono Memphis Eve True
•Rachel Maddows Upright Bass False
•Rachel Griffiths Banjo True
•Melissa Etheridge Becket Cypheridge True
•Sarah Palin (all her kids, all crazy names as you know) Yeah. True.
•Alice Cooper Calico True
•Jamie Oliver Daisy Boo, Petal Rainbow, Blossom, Popey Honey True
•Meg Ryan Potato Skin Julep False
•Andre Agassi Jaz True
•Boris Becker Easy Listening False
•Forest Whitaker Ocean, Sonnet, True True
•Angelina Jolie Pax, Maddox, Shiloh Nouvel, Zaharra True
•Courtney Cox Gettysburg, Bull Run, Hydrox False
•Nicole Kidman Sunday Rose True
•Charlie Rose Who Are You Kidman False
•Michael Richards Paperclip Stapler Suntan Lotion False
•Gwen Stefani Zuma, Jingleheimerschmitt False
•Stevie Nicks Lunar Eclipse False
Piper is a real name. I’ve met other real children with the name Piper. Maru is something Hawaiian I think, to honor the place where Gillian and her husband got married. The X-Files episode was named AFTER Piper; she was not named for the episode. Also Piper was born before the odd-baby-name craze began.
If you want to give her crap for something, give her crap for naming one son Oscar and the next on Felix. I’m just saying.
Let me get this straight. The nexus to normal for this crowd is John Lennon and Yoko Ono? Well, at least they can all afford to pay thier kids’ therapy bills in the not too distant future.
I love that N actually got one wrong even though the false ones were joke names. I think that says it all about the real names. N, can you figure out which one you put as True that was False?
Piper is an okay name but major points deducted for Maru. And Felix and Oscar… ugh.
Oh, bollocks. The Martin Lawrence one was a spoof of Will Smith’s. Seriously, though, Elm, Pine, and Joshua are not nearly as bad as the majority of names on that list…
I tricked ya!
Awesome site!