MY GRADE: 
I dread going to the supermarket.
Why?
Well, here’s just a mini sample-size of my supermarket issues:
Things I don’t understand about modern food:
- Why am I paying more not to have fat, or sugar, or preservatives in my food? Shouldn’t I pay less? Does that mean on the open market, fat, sugar and preservatives are worth less than 0 cents? Why do I need to understand the principles of integral calculus in order to buy cheese?
- Why are we still inventing food? Is world hunger by and large due to the fact that starving children in Africa are being too nitpicky? Are they refusing to eat until we provide a larger variety of breakfast cereals, more variations of Hot Pockets, and 10,000 new flavors of Gatorade?
- Can’t we decide on one spelling for hummus? (“hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous, humus?”)
- Was anyone asking for an apple that tastes like a grape? Or were the people who invented the “grapple” just being show-offy assholes?
- Instead of the dreaded “brocoflower” which splices children’s two least favorite flavors into one disgusting vegetable wouldn’t it have been smarter to invent a hybrid veggie that combines broccoli with something children love to eat? Like Pez? “Pezocolli.” Could be huge.
- Why does lemon juice come in a plastic container that looks like a lemon? Do supermarkets think they’re fooling people? Are we supposed to think they’re developed the screw-top lemon? And why don”t they sell milk in the shape of a life-sized plastic cow?
- Why do they even bother selling non-hot house tomatoes? We all understand the principles of this almost bait and switch routine: “Here’s some shitty pinkish-brown tomatoes that are harder to bite into than a candy apple and have the taste and texture of paper mache. Here are some ripe, yummy hot house tomatoes but they cost $2 more. You decide.”
- When did we all become so lazy that we now buy bags of pre-cut lettuce? Was that really such a demanding task? I fear pre-chewed lamp chops are on the horizon.
- Are people really using spray on salad dressing? Really? People are? Who? Name them. Yeah, I mean now. Like, just one person… Can’t? I didn’t think so.
- Why does every non-organic product I buy feel like a veiled threat? What do I mean? I go to buy a can of garbonzo beans. 99 cents a can. Okay, fine. “Wait, what about this can of organic garbanzo beans — $1.19.” “Really? Garbonzo beans come in organic and not-so-ganic? Do the organic ones taste better?” “No. But if you don’t pay the extra 19 cents we can’t guarantee that they aren’t covered in birth-defect forming insecticide. Just so you know… no pressure or anything.” “Thanks for the information, supermarket.” “No problem. Oh, by the way, that chicken you bought for your child?” ‘Yeah, what about it?” “Well, it’s entire cage-confined life that chicken has pretty much has been eating other chickens, antibiotics, and it’s own feces. If you want the organic, non-feces eating chicken, that’s cost you an extra $6. No pressure. Here’s a free balloon for your kid.” “Thanks.”"Of course, if you want him to have an organic balloon, that’s gonna cost you.”
That’s really funny! I had the same thought about lemon juice actually!
4 and 9
so true
Aww, you didn’t bring up the varying amounts of “sugar substitutes” that are out there…they’re “all-natural”, and cause cancer! Yay!
But, still, nice observations. I fear at one point I’ll end up using some of these…but I’ll hold off on the plagiarizing. Keep up the good work!
Nice lol