MY GRADE: 
It’s no fun getting sick. And swine flu can be deadly. But I happen to think in a roundabout way swine flu is serving a larger purpose.
How?
Well, first and foremost, it’s scaring the crap out of parents who are reluctant to get their kids any sort of vaccine because “medical experts” such as Dr. Jenny McCarthy (who, I believe, got her medical degree at The University of Posing For Playboy and The College of Being in Bad Straight-to-DVD Comedies) have informed us that vaccines are responsible for autism.
This whole Swine Flu Frenzy seems to be making people reconsider the benefits of vaccines. And I think it’s all because of that name. SWINE FLU. It’s brilliantly scary, dirty, muddy, piggie, slop-infested sounding. (Never mind that the swine flu is no more potent than our regular seasonal flu, which manages to kill half a million people globally every year. Never mind that an epidemic of measles or mumps or polio would be horrific in its own right. Apparently the idea of catching something from a diseased pig just sets people into a tailspin (pun intended).)
I propose that the CDC does itself and everyone else a favor and rename some of our most deadly diseases. You know, to give them a bit more “oomph” — a little something extra to pick up where swine flu leaves off and help scare parents into getting their kids the fully array of necessary vaccines.
Here are my suggestions:
Old Name: Measles
Why it’s not a good name: Sounds too wimpy, “measly”, mild.
Scarier New Name: Red Blistering Death
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Old Name: Mumps
Why it’s not a good name: Too lovable. Sounds like a race of cute tiny, mythical creatures. Elves. Smurfs. Mumps.
New Scarier Name: Exploding Face Disease
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Old Name: Tuberculosis
Why it’s not a good name: Too clinical. Anything with “osis” in it puts people right to sleep.
New Scarier Name: Flying Killer Snot Disease
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Old Name: Tetanus
Why it’s not a good name: Too enjoyable to say. Sounds like a magical city from a Tolken novel: “Take this ring to Tetanus…”
New scarier name: Rusty Crazed Spasmodic Raccoon Sickness*
* I am aware that you can’t catch tetanus from a raccoon but anything involving a crazed raccoon is certainly going to convince people to finally go ahead and make that doctor’s appointment
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Old name: Rotovirus
Why it’s not a good name: Sounds mechanical, unthreatening, futuristic. Like something your Mac gets from surfing the wrong website.
New Name: Insanely Violently Explosive Diarrhea Affliction*
* Now we’re talking!
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Old Name: Chicken Pox
Why it’s not a good name: Despite having “pox” in its title, it sounds like a cuddly nursery rhyme character — you know, something that Little Bo Peep might have stumbled across in one of her many adventures.
New Name: Scabby Infected Poultry Fungal Disease*
*Replacing “chicken” with “poultry” takes away the cute factor. “Scabby” and “infected” are never parties you want to be at. And “fungal” — well, chicken pox probably isn’t a fungus, but “fungal” is right up there with “pustular” as a word you definitely want to avoid.
See? That wasn’t so hard. Like everything else in the modern world, it’s all about effective marketing.
Your perspective is different than what I’m seeing. All I’m seeing on the news is how many people are NOT going to get the vaccine when it become available to them. And I’m hearing from a surprising amount of parents who don’t hesitate to give their kids any of the other vaccines that they won’t give their kids this one.
The swine flu makes me nervous – not because of the name, but because it is so much more contagious than the regular seasonal flu. My little one has asthma and can’t get the vaccine because of an egg allergy. While we have pulled him from school for a month or so in the past during the height of the seasonal flu, the swine flu seems to just be continuous. For us, that’s why this year is particularly scary.
Here’s hoping all the other parents do the right thing then and get their kids vaccinated to help protect your child since your child can’t get it. (They have two versions, nasal and syringe, are both harvested in eggs?) In our area, there are lines around the block for Swine Flu vaccines. That’s what makes me think people are picking and choosing this as a “necessary vaccine” as opposed to the usual shots some parents scoff at.
I think I didn’t even know there was another word for Insanely Violently Explosive Diarrhea Affliction… unfortunately, i have experienced that way too often…