Our Annoying World

• Tiger Woods’17 mistresses: From what I’ve gathered, these women only have two have two things in common. 1) No discernible personality or intellect and 2) vaginas.  (note: I realize my punctuation may confuse a few people.  Please reread before misinterpreting the number of genitalia each mistress has.  Thank you)

• Any child of a celebrity: Because someone has to say it.  Your children are boring.  Stop parading them around.  Stop putting them in your movies.  Stop making them wear heels (Katie!). Stop naming them things like Phineas and Shoelace and Galaxy.  Just stop.

• John Mayer: You are a musician yet your music is by far the least interesting thing about you.  It might be time for you to stop bedding down all those beautiful woman — before you turn into that guy from Counting Crows.

• Nikki Hilton: When you’re the 2nd most intriguing Hilton sister that’s a bad sign.

• The Cast of Twilight: You are, collectively, the least fun vampires I have ever seen.  You are incredibly attractive yet not the least bit sexy  And to top it off,  I bet you’re not even really vampires.

• Mike Tyson’s eye tattoo: Yes, you fascinated me from 2003 until the fall of 2007, but I’ve gotten used to you now.  Now you just make me a little sad.  For the first time in my life I feel sorry for ink.

• eReaders/Kindles: You are not a person, I realize of course, but you have been spoken about a great deal in 2009 and I’m still not intrigued.  You don’t smell like old books and you don’t make a fun crinkly sound when I turn your pages.   These are negatives, not positives.  But I’m open minded –  feel free to get back to me in a few years when you cost $99.

• The “Where’s The Beef” lady: This is gonna be harsh but –  I haven’t thought about you for years.  You are dead to me.  I find you entirely unfascinating.

• Sully’s Co-pilot: Sir, I’m sure you’re a very nice and competent co-pilot — but you had the unfortunate fate of sitting right next to Sully, and he fascinates your ass right into the ground.

• Anyone that Larry King interviews: Larry is a unique force in journalism.  Nobody has a greater gift for sucking the lifeforce out a potentially interesting interview subject like the great lizard-faced suspendered one.  He’s just a little sample of his work.  (Note to Larry: There are only two Beatles left.  Really, how hard is it to keep their names straight?)

• Piper Palin: I don’t know you, Piper.  But you must be boring as f–k to get stuck with such a semi-ordinary name in a family of Tracks, Trigs and Willows.  Also, I know you are only 8 years old but you have no children out of wedlock and that is a bit of a letdown.  Time to step up your game a little, okay sweetie?

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 13th, 2009 at 8:49 pm and is filed under I'm just sayin'. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.