I need to interrupt my thrice-weekly hilarious satirical commentary to shed some light on a newly-raging social dilemma – Chuck E Cheese-related crime.
Here are the facts:
- At a Chicago Chuck E Cheese two sides of the same family get into a brawl. Minor injuries occur.
- In Brookfield, Wisconsin their Chuck E Cheese is out of control — reporting over 12 fights in the last 3 years including “an uninvited adult disrupting a child’s birthday party. Seven officers arrived and found as many as 40 people knocking over chairs and yelling in front of the restaurant’s music stage, where a robotic singing chicken and the chain’s namesake mouse perform.”
- Another fight in a South Philly Chuck E Cheese involving salt and pepper shakers being thrown.
- A Chuck E Cheese fight in Flint, Michigan turned into a “a knock-down, drag-out between 75 and 80 people.” Pepper spray had to be used to control the crowd (and to properly season their horrible pizza, I’m guessing)
Still not worried? Check out this YouTube clip for some ugly evidence. A friday night out with the family or a Manny Pacquiao sparring session? Hard to tell the difference these days, huh?
I always wondered what the “E” in Chuck E Cheese stood for. Now I’m guessing… Exchange? As in “heated Exchange”, “Exchange of blows” or maybe “Encroaching threat of violence” “Enraged customers” “Extremely dangerous place to take your kids”?
I don’t know. Perhaps it’s all for the best. Children of today are so pampered – with their spongey-safe playground floors and their non-toxic, non-lead painted toys and their somber warnings about mixing Pop Rocks and Coke. How’s a kid supposed to have fun these days???
Disneyland is the “happiest place on earth” but what if your kid is looking for something a little edgier than the Country Bear Jamboree? Chuck E Cheese, baby. Chuck E Cheese.
P.S. Speaking of pampered childhoods — do they still sell lawn darts? They were fun.
* special thanks to David Klawans for sending me the background material for this story. Where, how and why he dug this stuff up I’ll never know…
