In light of ex-Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire’s admission this week that he used steroids during his baseball career I thought I’d review some of my favorite steroid admissions of the last few years. Because, as we’ve discovered, when, why and how to admit to taking steroids has become an artform unto itself:
New York Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez
THE GIST OF IT: “I was young (5 years ago). Everyone was doing it. The culture in baseball back then was very ‘loosey goosey’ (his exact words) about taking supplements. I don’t know what I took. My cousin got it for me. I’m so glad I got this off my chest. I feel great.”
PROS: He used the term “loosey goosey” which makes steroid taking sound like something out of a nursery rhyme. And a rollicking good time, at that — ball players running around in the locker room, snapping towels, giggling, injecting each other with human growth hormone. Boys will be boys, ya know.
CONS: He was a little too pleased with himself. As always. Of course, he was in between Madonna and Kate Hudson at the time (perhaps literally) so I guess he has the right to be. Also, he came clean about the steroid use but still hasn’t explained why he’s a professional baseball player but feels the need to highlight his hair. And — last point — world’s worst cousin? Alex Rodriguez. Talk about an awkward Thanksgiving.
Los Angeles Dodger Left Fielder Manny Ramirez:
THE GIST OF IT: “I didn’t know I took anything that was illegal. The doctor gave me something to take so I took it. I am Manny Ramirez. I have no idea what’s going on. I don’t know what planet I live on let alone what I inject into my body. Have you seen my hair? I am totally weird and out of control. Can I hit the ball now?”
PROS: I buy it.
CONS: The steroid he took was actually some sort of female fertility drug. So now he’s an admitted steroid user and a single mom. How does he do it???
Mets Outfield Gary Sheffield:
THE GIST OF IT: “I was training with Barry Bonds and he gave me some sort of cream to rub on my body. But I say it’s not a steroid because steroids are ‘something you inject into your butt’ (actual quote)
PROS: It’s creative, no? Plus, people don’t realize that Gary Sheffield has a medical degree from Harvard so if anyone should know the scientific definition of a steroid it’s him.
CONS: It conjures up the image of Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield slathering lotion on each other — like they just stepped out of bad 80′s gay porn. Thanks for that, Gary.
Ex-A’s Slugger Jose Canseco
THE GIST OF IT: “I took steroids. Lots of ‘em. It helped me hit a butt-load of homeruns and I don’t regret it. Now buy my book.”
PROS: Honesty.
CONS: He’s still Jose Canseco and he creeps me out. Also, his book is filled with dozens of unsourced allegations and, more importantly, run-on sentences and dangling modifiers. For shame, Jose!
New York Yankees Legend Babe Ruth
THE GIST OF IT: “Sure, I used them all the time. Sometimes three, four times a day. But I don’t see why you could possibly think that would’ve helped my hitting in any way. Oh — steroids! I thought you said ‘whores’. “
