3-D Movies

February 18, 2010

MY GRADE:

I have a secret to share with you.  I see everything in 3-D.  That’s right — everything.  I have ever since I was a small boy.  I don’t even have to wear the glasses most of the time.  It’s just there — the world popping out at me.   And I gotta say — it’s pretty darn cool.   If I’m standing in the middle of the freeway it actually looks like the cars are COMING RIGHT AT ME.  How much does this effect cost me?  0 dollars.  That’s right.  I don’t pay a penny for it.

Now apparently the rest of the world isn’t as fortunate.  Because ya’ll seem to go head over heels nutso whenever a new movie comes out in 3-D.  Sometimes you’ll pay up to 30% extra for a movie ticket just so you can see stuff flying straight at you — like Superman or James Cameron’s giant blue Smurfs or Robert DeNiro’s mole.

So why don’t I care for 3-D movies?  Well, it’s simply this.  Any film producer can write a big-assed check and get themselves a big ol’ heaping scoop of 3-D.  Where’s the risk in that? Where’s the mystery of the creative process?

Handing a blank check to Judd Apatow or Quentin Tarentino or Wes Anderson is where filmmaking gets more gutsy and interesting to me.  Sure, you expect those talents to deliver a decent story, well-crafted filmmaking, laughs, tears, seat-of-your pants thrills, but you can’t be certain.  You could end up with Grindhouse.  Or Life Aquatic.  Or two and a half hours of Judd Apatow’s daughter’s ballet recital.

But that’s the true wonder of movies.  The great mystery of motion pictures is why you can assemble a team of artists at the top of their game and yet only some of those movies “work” and others just sooo do not work.

Going to see a 3-D movie, on the other hand, is like paying someone $15 to flick on a light switch.  It’s not wondrous.  It’s not surprising.  And it’s no longer awe-inspiring.

So instead of getting all excited about the next empty 3-D spectacle, let’s root for some gutsy producer to unearth the next Spielberg or Coppola or Scorsese.

3-D is everywhere.  But true movie magic is hard to find.

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Posted by David

The iPad dilemma

February 1, 2010

The mixed reception of Apple’s new doohicky-gizmo-thingamabob, the iPad has made me re-evaluate several  things:

What do we “need”?  What do we want?  What do we feel obligated to own to keep up in the modern world?

Here’s a little personal history of my own attachment to gadgets.

I didn’t own a cell phone until April of 1999.  I think that’s pretty late in the game, right? (At least, for someone who was under the age of 75)   Eleven years later, I so attached to my cellphone that I sometimes have trouble remembering what life was like before it:

“So I guess if we wanted to talk to someone we had to, like, make plans to talk on the phone? Is that how we did it?”  Did I used to go around saying things like “I’ll call you later.  At 10:45 am.”  Weird.

I first browsed the internet in 1995 via AOL and I can even recall my first words in a chat room:  “Are we on the world wide web?”

I wasn’t even sure.  (It’s funny how things fade in and out of vogue.  Do people still congregate in chat rooms?  Or are we all too busy tweeting to Wolf Blitzer on CNN instead?  Has cable news become one giant chat room instead?)

Back to my own timeline:  Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by David

Indian Phone Support

January 4, 2010

MY GRADE:

There are many upsides and downsides to our “global economy” (hang tight, please — I realize that’s just about the most boring beginning to blog entry that I could have possibly could have come up with to start off a new year)

But one thing that is absolutely clear — corporations care about us only as much as they have to.

Prime example: phone support. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by David

Supermarkets (Panic in Aisle 7)

November 9, 2009

MY GRADE: starhalfblankblankblank

shoppingcart

I dread going to the supermarket.

Why?

Well, here’s just a mini sample-size of my supermarket issues:

Things I don’t understand about modern food: Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by David

Texting Etiquette or “Textiquette”

October 26, 2009

texting car crash

In honor of the great response I received regarding my blog post on  tipping etiquette I have deemed myself the Dear Abby of the new millennium.  My next topic of etiquette: texting.

Please feel free to submit your questions and I will—

Oh lookie! Already — my first question via Time Travel Twitter (a new service that allows impatient Tweeters who are so bored with the present to Tweet into the future) Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by David

2-IN-1 SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER

October 9, 2009

MY GRADE: starblankblankblankblank

219289_f260

There’s no product on the market more mystifying to me than 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Why?

Well, up until a few years ago we all seemed to agree collectively as a nation that you shampooed and then conditioned.  The shampoo cleans your hair and the conditioner — er — conditions?  softens?  unshampoos? — er, I don’t know — but that’s a whole other discussion.

(Historical Footnote: In the late 20th century it was decided that shampooing alone wasn’t good enough.  In the early 20th century it was decided that washing your head with a bar of animal lard wasn’t good enough.  In the late 19th century it was decided that you needed to wash your hair.  In the 1400s it was decided that you needed to put down that battle axe and clean yourself every once and awhile.  Ah, progress.  Anyway, I already did my take on Historical Hygiene so I’ll move on.)

Somewhat more recently certain hair care companies have re-assessed and determined that now we have the technology: We can shampoo and condition at the same time!

Really?  Isn’t that kind of like inventing candy-flavored dental floss?  It decays and cleans your teeth simultaneously?  What’s the scientific principle behind Shampoo/conditioner: “put them in the same bottle and let ‘em fight it out”?

Ever the optimist, I tried 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by David

WIKIPEDIA (Fun with Facts!)

October 6, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarstarhalfblank

wikipedia

Wikipedia, the community based, self-edited online encyclopedia, is often criticized for misfactuation, conspiratizing, and exagerolying. (By the way, thanks Wiktionary for helping me discover all those neat new words.)

But what I find “truthful” and refreshing about Wikipedia is that in it’s own sketchy, shape-shifting way it eloquently demonstrates that very little in this world is absolute. In Wikipedia land, what does it truly mean to be “factual”? Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by David

CSI 1700: FINDING OUT HOW REALLY DEAD PEOPLE DIED

September 16, 2009
MY GRADE: starstarhalfblankblank
"Wait a minute. I thought that guy from Scarface killed me."

"Great. We just gave them an excuse for a crappy AMADEUS remake."

Here’s some urgent news ripped from today’s headlines:

MOZART DIED OF STREP INFECTION

And by “urgent” I mean, “would have been somewhat helpful to know 220 years ago.” And by “news” I mean, “News-ish, on a slow news day in 2009.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a history lover. It’s important to study history because history repeats itself. I read that somewhere. Actually, I think I read it twice.

But here’s the thing: I think we need a statute of limitations for studying unsolved deaths.

U.S. President Zachary Taylor died of arsenic poisoning in 1850. Mozart died of Strep in 1791. Both these pressing mysteries took a century or two to resolve. So basically, at the rate we’re going,  we should have a definitive answer as to why Lincoln suddenly stopped breathing by 2011.

Look, the problem here is lack of resources. The way I see it there are only about 3,000 really brilliant people in the world. Unfortunately, most of them aren’t working on the cure for cancer or ways to improve water purification in Africa. We can’t afford to waste any more good brains on stuff like this Mozart nonsense. Too many of finest minds have already been sidetracked by endeavors that are either incredibly trivial or easily profitable or plain ol’ totally useless.

I took an unofficial survey as to what the world’s smartest people are working on these days. And the results, frankly, were a little depressing:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by David

NASA’S KILLER ASTEROID TRACKING PROGRAM

September 16, 2009

MY GRADE: starstarblankblankblank

Looks like all my so-called "time wasting" playing Asteroids might end up coming in handy.

Was I "wasting my time" in the 80s? I'd like to think I was merely "preparing."

This trivial little news item flew under most people’s radar (pun intended):

US Report: NASA Can’t Track Deadly Asteroids

Now here’s the truly baffling part of the story: It’s not that NASA doesn’t have enough funding for their program because saving the Earth from annihilation isn’t a big enough priority to the U.S. Congress.

No, what’s really disturbing is that the original goal of the program was to track down 90% of all killer asteroids. Who’s in charge of this program? Purell? (“Kills 99.99% of all germs” reference. See earlier post).

Dear Folks at NASA,

This isn’t sugarless gum we’re talking about here. I’m sure Dentyne is thrilled to have 4 out of 5 dentists recommend their product. That achieves their modest goals quite nicely. But I personally think things need to be a little more absolute when dealing with killer asteroids.

I’m no mathematician, but I would think that anything short of preventing –oh, I don’t know — 100% of all killer asteroids IS GOING TO BE A MAJOR PROBLEM.

Matter of fact, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the only thing more useless and depressing than an under-funded Killer Asteroid Finding Program is a fully-funded 90% Killer Asteroid Finding Program.

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